Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Top 10 Signs You Are a Mother

To some people, all minivans will always look like this.
They are the misguided.
Clearly they have not seen YOUR minivan.


1. You smell funny. Every day of your life. It could be baby spit up or a leftover stench from washing someone's hockey equipment. Maybe it's because you were so tired last night that you dropped your clothes on the floor and the dog slept on them, then you put them back on again in a rush and only later smelled your sleeve and realized what happened (might be a true story). Whatever it is, you give off an olfactory aura that is only noticeable to those who do not live with Chronic Family Stink (it's a real condition I just made up). That's why moms all hang out together. True story.

2. There is always a stain on your shirt. Always. Even if you wash it, and then wash it again, and don't go anywhere near the kitchen, a stain will appear on it the minute you leave the house. It's a universal law.

3. Yoga pants are the new jeans, and jeans are the new dress pants. Unless you work in a fancy dress-up workplace, in which case you might wear wrinkled dress pants. But not by choice. And you probably have a framed picture of your yoga pants on the desk because you miss them so much.

4. You are the only person in your household who knows how to change a toilet paper roll. Everyone else had their bathroom etiquette memories wiped out by aliens or something, and stare at empty toilet paper holders like they're a Chinese finger trap that should not be touched. As such, you will find new rolls next to the toilet or, if you're really lucky, on top of the empty roll still sitting in the holder. The rest is up to you, bathroom superhero.

5. It doesn't matter how long you've slept: 6 hours, 4 hours, 3.7 hours... If it was uninterrupted, you're going to be convinced it was the best sleep of your life. Because you have forgotten what the world was like before sleep deprivation.

6. Your standards are far lower than they used to be. Dishwasher got loaded by someone other than you? The nicest thing anyone's ever done. Stack of papers from the counter stuffed inside the microwave minutes before company arrives? Excellent housekeeping and time management skills. Stick figure drawing from your child in which you look like your head is a weather balloon and that you maybe have a penis? Greatest piece of art ever made. That's going in a frame right next to the yoga pants.

7. You can't remember the last time you were in the house all by yourself. Oh, wait. Yes. Yes, you can. Everyone else went out for the afternoon about two years ago. You were really excited when they left, spent half an hour reading a book and sipping tea, then got kinda bored, then got a little scared when you heard that noise, then realized it was the fridge motor turning on but you don't normally hear that because the kids are too loud, then got sad because you missed the kids, and shouldn't they be back by now, and your life would be meaningless without them, and this home would be so very empty, and by the time everyone came home you were crying on the floor into their baby albums.

8. Neighbourhood guys (if you like guys to begin with) start looking mighty fine when they're carrying babies around in slings. And just kind of okay when they're not.

9. Absolutely everything bad you're feeling can be instantly cured by your child's smile. It's like crack. Crack made by babies. Little dealer babies who are just buttering you up so they can get a car and tuition in a few years. So manipulative.

10. You will go to great lengths to justify your minivan. It has heated seats. It has sliding doors. It has a voice activated stereo. Childless people will try very hard not to snicker or possibly feel sorry for you. They will listen politely. You will up the ante with the integrated DVD player. You will feel like you've won them over and held on to your youthfulness for just one more day. You haven't. But perspective is everything.