Friday, December 07, 2012

Think Your Child is Picky? You Haven't Met My Sister

Most delicious murder weapon EVER.

I'm pretty sure my sister tried to kill me.

With cake.

She brought it over on the weekend while we were celebrating family birthdays, and was all, "Hey, Maven, my only favourite sister! I made this gluten-free cake for you and Spawnling. And I made a second cake for everyone else. Enjoy! Keep the leftovers!"

Tuesday was kind of a crap day. And there was leftover cake sitting on the counter, all convenient and shit. Lots and lots of cake. Cake I shouldn't eat, but can. And that's a very bad thing. 

I had cake for breakfast. 

I had cake for lunch.

I had cake for after lunch snack.

And then had some as a warmup for dinner. Kind of like stretching before a workout.

And then I threw the fucking thing out before my pancreas exploded.

I woke up on Wednesday with the worst case of cake hangover I've ever had. No, scratch that: the only case of cake hangover I've ever had. I have never eaten that much baking in a single day in my entire life. I was on toxic overload. 

And it's all my sister's fault. She's Dexter with boobs, I tell you.

Why is she trying to end my life? It might be because I'm our mom's favourite. I can tell because mom gives my sister a great deal of attention; That's what you do when you feel guilty about not liking one child as much as you like another. They go out all the time, they talk on the phone every day, and they drive the same kind of vehicle. Classic overcompensation maneuver, Mom. It's sad to watch, really.

And the fact that I'm older wiser and heavier better nourished than my sister clearly breeds the sort of jealousy that creates homicidal tendencies.

When I showed up to our brother's birthday dinner alive and well on Wednesday night, she tried very hard to hide the shock on her face. We made small talk, but we both knew what she had done.

The subject of her picky eating came up. She let it slip that her friends have compiled a list of all the things she won't eat so they can keep track. No joke. I told her I'd forgive her for trying to prematurely end my life if she'd let me share the list on my blog. 

Here is her current list of dislikes:

- Caramel
- Creme brûlée
- Blueberries
- Banana cakes
- Butterscotch
- Wine
- Beer
- Olives
- Ring-a-los
- Water
- Cinnamon
- Ginger
- Pickled Turnips
- Relish
- Pickles
- Tapioca
- Raisins
- Fruit on anything
- Toffee
- Maple syrup
- Cranberries
- Pumpkin
- Chai
- Nutmeg
- Allspice
- Cloves
- Caraway seeds
- Gingerbread
- Molasses
- Nuts in anything
- Macadamia nuts
- Cherries
- White chocolate
- Steak
- Lamb
- Peas
- Cream corn
- Shellfish
- Dark meat
- Anything on a bone
- Dill
- Squash
- Zucchini
- Canned beans
- Eggs
- Marmalade
- Apricots
- Curry
- Cumin
- Licorice
- Fennel
- Grapefruit
- Anything lime flavored
- Mint
- Anything lemon flavoured
- Dates
- Figs
- Prunes
- Beets
- Blue cheese
- Vanilla cake
- Radishes
- Horseradish
- Dried fruit
- Party mix
- Eggplant
- Veal
- Turmeric
- Garam masala
- Pho
- Hot sauce
- Sauerkraut 

So basically she hates all spices and every condiment. And water. 

I'm pretty sure she slipped "vanilla cake" in there so I wouldn't be suspicious about how much of it was left on my counter last weekend. Nobody hates vanilla cake. Nice try, sis.

1 comment:

  1. Your sister is weird. There I said it. Who doesn't like party mix??


Go ahead: feed the attention whore (just don't tell the zookeeper).